|Beautiful garden in Mauritius where we were married|
I was looking back at the post I wrote on this day last year (you can read it here) and was moved to write an Anniversary post again today.
I recall last year having been up all night unable to sleep with all the thoughts running through my head. I was sitting downstairs at 5am crying and writing that blog post.
As much as I wished, hoped and prayed for on that day last year (and every other day) I could never have imagined that one year on things would be so different.
On this morning a year ago I was wishing that instead of my thoughts and fears keeping me awake all night, it would be our baby. How could I have known then that a year on I would be up most of the night laying next to my amazing husband and feeling our baby boy and our baby girl having a dance off in my tummy.
I did write back then that it wasn't always easy throughout our then 4 years of marriage due to the struggle with infertility and IVF. Perhaps I have always played that side of it down. Sometimes now I wonder did I push Andy away to some degree because it was too painful to see and feel his pain? I cant even begin to explain how it is to see this man that you love so much without that light in his beautiful eyes and to know that you cant take that pain away. It's soul destroying. We came close to breaking point many times, especially after our miscarriage 2 years ago after our first cycle. I'm proud to say we held on.
My intention here is not to trowel through the pain but I guess to say that I am so grateful that all that pain and heartache has been worth something and so what I'm trying to covey is even in the darkest despair on this journey to just try not to give up hope.
As much as I willed it I could never have even dreamt that I would be sitting here this morning writing this and feeling our boy trying to bust through my rib cage. (Don't worry little fella do whatever you want, I'm just glad to feel you, just ask your sister to get off my bladder if she can.)
|Pre wedding Giggles|
I'm so proud of how hard he works with his full time job, then studying for his Open University degree, looking after me for the past 8 months when I am vommitting (tying my hair back and bringing me water), rubbing a tennis ball over my back, brining me food and drink, putting my socks on for me, doing a lot of chores in the house so I don't have to crouch, bend, lift. The most amazing sight for me is the look in his eyes when he shows me a finished project he has done for our babies nursery. All this relentlessly and never complaining, I think just because he is so grateful that he can do it for his family.
I won't use this as a forum to complain about my dad who left when we were 4 and passed away a few years ago but I will say that I didn't have a great example of what a dad should be. I looked at my husband years ago and knew then that he would be such an amazing dad. Just this time during pregnancy has already proved me right.
|The love of my life|
My promise to him is to be the best wife and mummy that I can possibly be.
I'm proud of what we have overcome to get here and proud that we survived it together. I know I would not have come through this journey with anyone else.
This has turned into an "ode to Andy", that's ok, this is our anniversary.
|September 2012 at friends wedding. I'm a lucky girl|
Oh and a year on I am sat here crying again but for all the right reasons.